InsaneJournal

FIC: Shell Shock ch 3
~*~*~*~*~


Title: Shell Shock
Author: roedhunt
Pairing(s): Harry/Snape
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The war was now over, but the memory of it still plagues Harry.
Highlight for Warnings: *Mention of minor character deaths, brief cutting scene, language*
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters by JK Rowling. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N: Written for the Snarry Games. I want to thank the following for helping me ! I couldn’t have done it without you! eyesemerald, lemonade7, rakina, and igtow.



Shell Shock part 3


~*~*~*~*~


Severus stared across the room, lost in thought. There were so many questions going through his head but no answers. Just a few short months ago he was in complete control. He was alone and his life was simple, structured. Then Potter came and disrupted everything. Everything. Severus found himself asking - for the eight hundredth time--why? Why had the boy chosen this profession and why did he choose him of all people to train him? He knew now it wasn’t for retribution. In fact, it didn’t seem as if Potter had any ill feelings towards him whatsoever. He was only there to learn. And as much as Severus hated to admit it, Potter was becoming annoyingly proficient at it. He had hoped otherwise, of course. The worse part, however, was that Potter wasn’t even getting on his nerves as much as he had done in the beginning. He was still an irritating brat, but with each passing day he was actually becoming bearable--the sudden outbursts of anger notwithstanding. Perhaps he was just getting used to him. Severus shuddered at that thought. Who would ever get used to Potter?

Severus glanced down at the messy, black bush lying on his chest. He wondered if that boy even owned a comb. He doubted it by the way it was splayed every which way. His eyes drifted down Potter's body, watching his back rise and fall from his heavy breathing. Good. The boy was finally asleep. Perhaps now would be as good a time as any to leave. Severus frowned and glanced over at the door, then back to Potter who was lying so peacefully. He could easily lift the boy up and walk away. He glanced once more at the door to freedom then back to Potter again. Why was he staying?

Albus. That’s right. Albus wanted him to. He had no choice. Severus closed his eyes and sighed. No, that wasn’t the only reason and he despised himself for it.

It took Severus a moment to realise that the boy lying next to him was rutting against his leg. He remained absolutely still and wondered if Potter was even consciously aware of what he was doing. There was a part of Severus that wanted to feel disgust at being used in this manner, but the other part of him couldn’t help but feel... empathy.

Yes, Severus knew what it was like to lose somebody. Someone who at one time meant the world to him. His first love. His only love. Severus closed his eyes and tried to recall the face that he had buried deep within his mind. It was such a long time ago that he was afraid that he had all but lost him. But no, there he was, the soft blond hair and the pale blue eyes watching him. Saying his name as they both reached the point of no return. He recalled how his skin felt underneath him. On top of him. Moving next to him.

Just like the boy was doing now.

Damn Potter. Damn him for making him want to remember.

Severus held his breath and tried to ignore the pain in his heart. Ignore the way his shirt was being stretched over his chest from the fist pulling on it. But most of all, Severus tried to ignore the way the thin legs gripped his own and the feel of the damp moisture now seeping through the side of his trousers.

Damn him. And damn himself for not stopping him.


~*~*~*~*~


Sometime later, Severus awoke. It was still dark so he figured he hadn't been asleep for very long. There was a warm hand caressing his chest, stroking the length of it slowly. Soon it was replaced with fingertips that were seemingly trying to map out his skin. He remained silent and unmoving until he felt two fingers gently tugging on his nipples. He snapped his head to the left and grabbed the frail wrist, though he kept his grip loose enough for the boy to break away if needed.

Young innocent eyes slowly closed and then re-opened. Severus clenched his jaw and barely shook his head, warning Potter to stop. Potter's brows pulled together mouthed the word, “Please.” Severus narrowed his eyes and frowned at him, but his attention was soon drawn back to the hand pulling free, and he watched silently as the timid fingers resumed their exploration. If he didn’t know better, he would swear that the way he was being caressed was almost as if Potter had never touched another living soul.

Perhaps he hadn’t. The war had begun so quickly in Potter’s seventh year, and while it wasn’t well-known, Severus had heard whispers that Potter and the young Weasley girl had just started a relationship. But if what Potter confessed to him about her was true--that they never were in a relationship--there really wouldn’t have been enough time for another one to begin. But then that could only mean one thing.

Potter was a virgin.

Severus mentally shook his head. No, there would've been moments he and the Finnigan boy could've stolen. Granted, they would've been short, but there still would've been time enough for... for...

Severus sighed and finally gave in to the wondrous sensations Harry was giving him. He let his eyes close and cursed himself for being so weak.

He needed to find a cure for rampant testosterone.


~*~*~*~*~


Harry was afraid to meet Severus’ piercing glare for fear of being refused again so instead he focused on the skin underneath his fingers. It wasn’t as smooth or as soft as Seamus’ but it had a wonderful and unique texture of its own. Harry closed his eyes briefly and cursed inwardly, reminding himself he wasn't going to do that again, wasn't going to compare reality with a memory. Harry closed his eyes tighter and tried once again not to think about the words whispered so long ago.

“I want to touch you. Touch your skin. Just once--”

No. He had to stop thinking about Seamus. About what could have been. About the many times he had longed to be in a situation such as this. Because now it was too late. Seamus was gone. Perhaps, Harry thought, it was for the best they'd never been able to take that final step in their relationship. He didn’t even want to imagine what that would feel like. Maybe Seamus was right.

Everything happened for a reason. Or in their case - didn’t happen.

Harry slowly opened his eyes as his mind drifted away from the past and back into the present. The warm flesh he was absently stroking was still there. Still moving under his touch. He watched in awe as the chest--Severus’ chest--seemed to rise up to meet his soft caress. It suddenly occurred to Harry that something else was happening as well.

Severus wasn’t stopping him.

Harry gathered up all of his courage and made a bold move by lifting himself up to his forearm. He wanted to see more, to see everything. When there was neither a response, nor any type of refusal, Harry found himself smiling and then allowed himself to continue. He wasn’t exactly sure of why he wanted to continue. Only that he did. But as Harry ran one of his fingertips over the indentation between Severus’ ribs, he unconsciously began to think about it.

Just what was it about this man that made Harry feel comfortable enough to do this? It wasn’t as if he had previously thought about Severus in that way. Nor was there any inclination on Severus’ part that Severus was even attracted to him.

So why was Severus letting him?

Suddenly, a feeling of panic ran through Harry. What if this one night changed everything? Would the unspoken friendship gradually forming between them be broken? Would Severus think he was only being used and then put up an irreparable wall in the morning? Harry shuddered at the thought. That's the last thing Harry wanted and nothing was worth the risk of losing what little they did have. No matter how trivial it was. And if Harry was being honest with himself, he was afraid. He was afraid to start something--anything --with someone just to lose it. Lose him. He couldn’t bear to have that happen to him again.

Harry sighed heavily and decided to stop this before it went any further. Besides, he was almost positive Severus wasn't really attracted to him, and really didn't want to do this, and would most certainly regret it in the morning. Not to mention he would probably hold Harry in contempt. But then--why? Why wasn’t Severus stopping him? Was it because he might actually want to--? Harry inwardly shook his head. No, that wasn’t it. It couldn’t be. But then why? Suddenly, a terrifying reason washed over him. Pity. Harry clenched his jaw. He hated to be pitied. He had enough of that shit at St Mungo’s.

Harry closed his eyes and started to withdraw his hand. He was caught off-guard, however, when his wrist was unexpectedly stopped in mid-motion. Harry instantly snapped open his eyes and looked up in astonishment. Severus was observing him intimately and Harry noticed his expression was neither one of pity, nor contempt. Harry stared at him curiously for a moment before softly gasping as his hand was placed back upon Severus’ chest. He quickly glanced down to his covered hand and then back up. Severus nodded.

Harry realised in that moment that this really wasn’t an act of pity but one of mutual consent.


~*~*~*~*~


Harry's heart raced with the knowledge that not only did Severus want this, but would watch him as well. He knew he really shouldn't be embarrassed, but the thought of Severus actually watching him made him ten times more nervous than when he had thought he was doing this as Severus' slept. Glad of the semi-darkness hiding the small flush in his cheeks, Harry stole a quick glance in Severus’ direction and was relieved to note the man had closed his eyes. He hesitated for a moment and then took a deep breath before finally turning his attention to the warm hand covering his own. As it slowly pulled away, its fingers softly caressed his skin, causing gooseflesh to appear over his entire body.

Harry’s eyelids fluttered closed for a moment before opening them again and took a deep, hitching breath. Slowly and timidly, he trailed his fingertips down Severus' body until they met the top of Severus' trousers then back up to the hollow of his throat. He did a few passes before gradually lowering his hand to his palms and began lightly caressing the skin underneath, using only the merest pressure. He heard Severus’ breathing grow shallow and couldn’t help but smile. He continued exploring the warm body for a while longer until he finally got enough courage to circle one of Severus’ nipples and gently tug on it. A sharp intake of air above him was the response and so he reached over and did the same thing to the other one, which earned him a loud gasp.

Feeling a bit more confident, Harry slid his hand down Severus’ torso and gingerly placed his hand on top of the tented trousers. He curled his fingers around the trapped erection and gently squeezed it. Severus’ hips rose slightly and, out the corner of Harry’s eyes, he could see Severus’ hand gripping the sheets. He tightened his hold and awkwardly rubbed up and down the length as much as he was able. Harry jerked his hand back when both of Severus’ hands touched his, giving him the impression that he was stopping him. Instead, however, Severus fumbled with the thin belt, and quickly unbuttoned his fly. Harry moved back enough to allow Severus sufficient room to lift his hips and push down his trousers. When Severus reached for the top of his boxers, Harry smiled shyly and nudged the two hands away with his own; he wanted to do this part by himself.

From the dim lighting in the room, Harry could just make out the colour of Severus’ underpants. They were red. Harry’s smile turned into a full grin, thankfully hidden by his bowed head. He pushed himself up, resting on his forearm, and continued once again rubbing the more prominent erection through the thin material. Severus groaned in frustration, but Harry ignored it, choosing to prolong his slow ministrations. Finally, after a few minutes, Harry curled his fingertips, and slipped them just inside the rim of the material and slowly peeled them down, revealing a rather thick and incredibly hard erection. Harry firmly wrapped his hand around the shaft and pulled the skin up until it met the soft glans, covered by the foreskin. Harry barely loosened his grip and pushed the foreskin back enough so he could see the tiny slit filled with clear liquid. He ran the pad of his thumb over it, simultaneously compressing his fingers, bringing forth more pre-come.

Harry leaned over and slowly licked the head of Severus’ cock, cherishing the sounds he was causing. He could feel the muscles in Severus’ legs tighten as he ran the flat of his tongue against the tip. Another moan escaped Severus’ lips and a trembling hand touched Harry’s shoulder. Harry pursed his lips and carefully slid them down, enveloping just the top. Fingers dug into his shoulder, but not hard enough to hurt. Severus was breathing heavily now and it only increased in volume when Harry lowered his head. He moved his mouth up and down the length of Severus’ cock, keeping the same rhythm with his hand. As Harry increased the speed, Severus unconsciously lifted his hips. Harry knew, from his own personal experience, and by the way Severus was breathing, it wouldn’t be long before the man came.

Harry sped up his thrusts, twisting his hands as he did so. He could feel Severus’ cock swelling and the large vein under his fingers grew hard. With a strangled cry from his deep in his throat, Severus’ cock began pulsating and Harry’s mouth was filled with a warm substance. He held on tight and froze as the last bit of liquid was released then slowly pulled away, swallowing everything. Severus’ body collapsed on the bed, and his chest was heaving with every breath he took. Harry raised his head to look up at him and warmly smiled when their eyes met.

Suddenly, Harry found himself on his back, gasping, when his throat was attacked by a pair of lips fastening onto his neck. His hands immediately flew up and intertwined themselves into the long hair covering half his face. His body was instantly set on fire when a strong hand slid under Harry’s underpants and latched onto his straining erection. He bucked his hips up and met it stroke for stroke. He knew he wouldn’t be able to last long. Severus’ mouth released his neck and travelled down his body quickly as his hands yanked down Harry’s pants.

A pair of tight lips replaced Severus’ hand and Harry cried out as his cock was sucked into a hot mouth. One hand gripped his hips and held him down while the other cupped Harry’s balls, eliciting another cry. Firm fingertips rubbed the sensitive spot just above his entrance and, instinctively, Harry’s legs bent. Digging his heels into the mattress, he clung to Severus' hair for dear life. His orgasm rapidly approaching with every stroke of wet heat, he knew it would be any second now.

When Harry felt lips touch his pubic hairs, he arched his back and howled. He came so violently his entire body shook and all of his muscles locked. He remained frozen in time, feeling every spasm his cock made. After what seemed like forever, Harry finally collapsed on the bed with a groan, his mind swimming from the aftershock. He tried to breathe but the air just seemed to have left him. Small tremors erupted throughout his body as his heart slowly returned to normal. Finally Harry was able to take a deep breath and blinked a few times before looking down at Severus through sated eyes.

Severus stretched out against Harry’s side and pulled him in close. Harry wrapped his arms over his chest, curled his body into his and snuggled up next to Severus. Sleep came easily to him and he was soon enveloped in darkness.

With a smile on his lips.


~*~*~*~*~


Harry rubbed his cheek against the soft skin upon which his head rested on. It took a few seconds for him to realise, however, that it wasn’t skin; it was, in fact, his pillow. Fully awake now, Harry quickly sat up and looked around the room. Severus was gone. His heart fell to his stomach, wondering if what he had feared last night was true: Severus had regretted what had happened. He searched his bedroom again, looking for any type of clue to indicate otherwise. He finally noticed his dressing gown lying on the back of his sofa and smiled. He knew it wasn’t there last night before he went to bed.

Harry heard a distant noise to his right and turned his head in the direction it came from. Someone was outside his room and in his lounge. He jumped out of bed and ran over to his robe, put it on and crept over to the closed door. He didn’t hear anything else, but his natural curiosity got the better of him so he slowly opened the door and peeked out. Severus was sitting at his small dining table, holding up the current edition of the Daily Prophet. In front of him were two place-settings and a tray covered with tea and an assortment of food.

“Has anyone ever told you that it is rude to stare, Potter?”

Harry flinched, and walked over and stood next to the table.

“Err, Sev-er -”

Harry stopped when the paper folded down, revealing an emotionless expression. Harry looked away and nervously fiddled with his belt. Obviously, he was right and Severus had regretted last night.

“About last night--”

“Potter, sit down. Have something to eat and then we can talk.”

Harry nodded unconsciously and slid into the nearest chair. He carefully fixed his tea and snatched a scone from the tray. He began to nibble on it and glanced up. After taking a slow sip of tea to wash the scone down, he cleared his throat and tried to look as confident as he could.

“Seriously, about--”

Severus raised an eyebrow and Harry quickly looked down at his plate.

“Um, the thing is--”

“I have spoken to the healers at St Mungo’s.”

Harry jerked his head up and his heart leapt to his throat. They were going to send him back.

“And I have agreed with their recommendations.”

Harry closed his eyes, sighed and barely nodded.

“You are to go back to St Mungo’s for counselling.”

Harry slowly raised his eyes and nervously bit his lower lip.

“You will continue your apprenticing here under my supervision--” Harry’s eyes widened in disbelief. “--as long as you agree to attending counselling sessions on Saturdays and Sundays; there will also be a healer on-call twenty-four hours a day should you require him.”

Harry opened and closed his mouth several times, a strangled noise all he could manage.

“Merlin, Potter. Close your mouth,” Severus said with a half-smirk. “Now, do you agree to those conditions?”

“Yes!” he yelled. Harry blushed, seeing both of Severus’ eyebrows raise. He cleared his throat. “I mean yes. Yes, of course. I accept those… terms. Of course.”

“Good. Now that’s settled, we can discuss last night.”

“Oh.” Harry squirmed a bit in his chair. “All right,” he said quietly.

“I assure you that last night--”

“I can explain! I know that you probably think--”

“Would you let me finish?” Severus snapped, clearly annoyed.

Harry flinched slightly and looked away. He heard a chair being pushed back. Severus was ending this and was leaving. Harry’s shoulders slouched when he felt Severus’ presence standing next to him.

“As I was saying, I assure you that last night was entirely mutual, and that if anything else should occur in the future, I demand the utmost discretion. Am I making myself perfectly clear?” he asked, his low voice leaving no room for argument.

Harry inhaled sharply, his mouth falling open in total surprise. When he didn’t answer straight away, Severus impatiently repeated the question.

“Am I making myself clear?”

“Y-yes, Sir. I mean Professor. I mean Sev-er--”

Severus smirked at him and then turned to leave. “You really need to start practicing on how to say my name, Potter. You sound like an imbecile.”

Harry softly laughed at himself. He did sound like an idiot.

“Finish your breakfast and then go get ready as the healers are expecting you in one hour to go over the details. We will continue our discussion later,” he said, reaching for the doorknob.

“A-all right,” Harry stuttered.

Severus shook his head as he opened the door and then closed it softly behind him. For two full minutes, Harry sat in shock before springing to his feet and running to the bathroom.


~*~*~*~*~


“What in Merlin's blood are you doing?” Harry yelled. “You’re not supposed to add Knoxgrass until after mixing in the ginger root! Can't you read? The instructions are clearly written on the board!”

First year Mark Paulsen cringed in his seat. “Y-yes, Sir. But Thomas over there said it would finish sooner if I was to--”

“Who is the teacher here, Mr Paulsen?” Harry snapped.

“Y-you are, Sir.”

“Yes I am. And you will do well to remember that. Now dump that concoction and start again.”

“Yes, Sir,” the boy whispered.

“Five points from Hufflepuff and twenty-five from Slytherin,” Harry said with a pointed glare at Geoffrey Thomas.

Groans filled the room and Harry walked back the front and plopped down in his chair, all the while shaking his head.

“I can't believe these kids,” Harry grumbled. When he felt a pair of eyes to the left of him staring, he whipped his head to the side. “What?” he asked sharply.

Severus merely smirked and continued grading the exams in front of him.

Harry leaned over and whispered, “He could have blown up the entire classroom!”

Severus made a sound in his throat that actually resembled a chuckle. “I know.”

Harry grunted and sneered over at the Slytherin boy who was laughing with his friends.

“Would you care to make it fifty points, Mr Thomas?”

The boy lowered his head. “No, Professor.”

Harry eyed the other boys sitting next to him. He raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“No, Professor,” they said in unison.

“Good. Now finish your potions. You only have twenty minutes left.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Harry snorted and folded his hands on top of his desk, watching for any other mishaps.


~*~*~*~*~


When the bell rang, the first year students quickly got up and scrambled to the door.

“Don’t forget you have a test tomorrow,” Harry called out. “I expect everyone to be prepared.”

After the last student left the classroom, Harry dropped his head on his folded arms. “I can't believe how stupid these kids are,” he muttered.

“Indeed,” Severus replied. “Although I would have chosen a different word. Ignorant might be a better one. I prefer imbecile myself.”

Harry lifted his head up. “Ha. Ha. Very funny. I was never that--”

“Harry!”

Harry jumped in his seat and looked over to Hermione Granger who was standing in the doorway.

“Hermione!” he cried, leaping to his feet and running over to her. “Why didn’t you tell me you would be here today? I thought you weren't coming until next week.”

Hermione put her cane in her other hand and, taking the arm Harry held out for her, hobbled to the front of the classroom.

“I know, but I couldn’t wait. I just wanted to get here early so I could set up my quarters and sort out all my books.”

Harry laughed. She reminded him of the ‘old’ Hermione Granger.

Finally.

"What?"

Harry smiled. "Nothing. Go on."

“Anyway, Madam Pomfrey said I could. In fact, she was thrilled to know I would be early.”

“Thrilled? Pomfrey?” Harry asked mockingly.

“Yes, Harry. Thrilled. Believe it or not she actually does have other emotions besides frustration and annoyance,” she said sharply. “Maybe if you weren't always getting into trouble all those times, you would have seen--”

“I know. I know. Sorry,” Harry said sheepishly.

Hermione harrumphed and let go of Harry's arm to extend her hand to Severus. “Professor Snape. It’s good to see you again.”

“Severus, Hermione. After all, we are colleagues now.”

“I know,” she said smiling. “It just feels strange.”

Severus glanced over to Harry. “That’s understandable. I am accustomed to not hearing my name said properly.”

“I’m getting better at it!” Harry said defensively.

Severus raised a sceptical brow at him.

“So,” Hermione said smiling, watching the two of them banter. “How are things going?”

Harry rolled his eyes in frustration and Severus smirked at him before smiling at Hermione.

“Perhaps Mr Potter would like to share some of his ‘experiences’ with you. I have heard enough of them to last two lifetimes,” he said dryly.

Harry whipped Severus a sharp look, but Severus ignored it and returned to his desk.

“Harry?” Hermione asked with an amused eyebrow raised.

“Ugh. It’s a long story.”

“How about over lunch? We can go sit outside.”

Harry nodded and held out his arm again.


~*~*~*~*~


Severus watched the two of them disappear out of the room. He sighed and thought about how things had changed so dramatically over the past six months. Harry was getting better at sleeping throughout the night without nightmares, although there were still times he would wake up screaming. In those rare times, Severus would hold him tightly and whisper encouraging words to let him know that he wasn’t alone and that he would always be there for him. In the morning, Harry told him that he barely remembered what he had dreamt about, yet it would all come back to him once he was in counselling.

Severus never took offence to that. He knew in time Harry would feel comfortable enough to talk about it with him. Just like in time Severus would feel comfortable enough to ask Harry again his reasons for wanting to become a Potions master. Not that it mattered as much to Severus as it did at the beginning of their ‘relationship’, but Severus couldn’t help but wonder why. He knew it had something to do with the Finnigan boy, but couldn’t for the life of him figure out how.

That was another thing Harry was reluctant to talk about: Seamus Finnigan. Severus himself had begun counselling sessions with the healers at St Mungo's in order to better understand Harry's concerns, both past and present. It was there Severus learned that Seamus had died in Harry’s arms. That information had never been revealed to the Wizarding World, only that Harry had been with him when he died in the war. Severus could only imagine how tragic it must have been for Harry. Severus also discovered his suspicions were correct: Harry had never slept with Seamus. Of course, it was already quite obvious to him because Harry had asked--politely, of course--if they could take things slow. Harry tried to give him the impression it was because he didn’t want to get hurt again, but Severus knew the real reason.

Harry was still a virgin and he was terrified. Severus also suspected that it had to do with his ‘size’. Harry always mentioned it and frequently made comments that Severus ‘could hurt someone with that thing’. Severus found it amusing how most men always had the misconceptions and the insecurities of being too small. Still, it was amusing to him in the beginning, but the idea that his penis was being described as ‘that thing’ reminded him too much of how Harry had once referred to them as a ‘what’. But what had bothered Severus most of all, was that Harry--unintentionally or not--made it sound as if Severus would purposely try to ‘hurt’ him. Didn’t he know Severus well enough by now to know Severus would never hurt him and had enough experience to insure Harry would only receive pleasure and never pain? Didn’t the nights they shared together show him that much? Severus sighed again. Hopefully in time Harry would finally come to realise this.

Harry was finally able to wean himself off the Dreamless Sleep potion thanks to Severus’ help. It took awhile since Harry had been taking it almost from day one at St Mungo's. The only reason no one knew was because a certain young medi-wizard had been helping him. Severus didn’t even want to ask about how Harry had persuaded him. No charges were brought against the young man, for no one knew save Harry and later Severus when Harry finally confessed, provided he wouldn’t tell.

Still, Harry was making excellent progress. Severus was extremely proud of his lover for his courage to finally face his demons and he hoped it was because Harry wanted to get better and not because he felt he had no choice.

Severus was proud of Hermione as well. Not many who had survived the war recovered as fast as she had. Especially the ones who had lost family members or close friends. On one of the Death Eater attacks against the Muggles, Hermione had lost her mother. Her father was still in denial, but Hermione always managed to keep a positive outlook, for him at least, and visited her father often. She even joined him in the Muggle therapy her father was attending. Her right leg still gave her problems; she hated relying on a cane with her artificial leg, but she never complained. Neither Severus nor Harry were surprised when she chose to become a healer. They knew it was her way of coping with the fact that she had taken a life. Now she wanted to save them.

Some weren't as lucky as Hermione. Molly Weasley had not only lost Ron, but her husband Arthur and her two sons, Percy and Charlie as well. Outwardly, she remained strong for the rest of her children, but inwardly, Severus knew she was hanging on by a thread. No mother should ever have to outlive her children. Fred and George seemed to be unaffected by it all, but every once in awhile it would show on their faces. They had never moved out of the Burrow, insisting that rent was too expensive. Bill and Fleur were eventually married but the loss of so many family members had affected them as well. On several occasions, they had mentioned that they wanted to wait before having children. Much to Molly's distress.

Ginny was still at St Mungo’s.

Yes, some were luckier than others.


~*~*~*~*~


As Harry began to get undressed, Severus found he couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. The way he tossed his clothes over the sofa half-hazardously annoyed Severus to no end, yet something about it made it endearing. Severus sighed. He was becoming senile with every passing day. Harry glanced over at him coyly, then raised his brows suggestively.

“Watching me, are you?”

Severus cleared his throat and pretended to straighten the duvet. “Of course not. I was watching the disrespectful way you handle your clothing. You know that annoys me.”

Harry smiled knowingly. “Of course you were. How silly of me,” he said with a grin.

“Are you coming to bed or are you going to stand there all night? I have an early day tomorrow,” he snapped.

“Impatient man,” Harry tsked.

“Of course I’m impatient. I would actually like to get some sleep tonight.”

Harry smirked at him as he pulled back the duvet and crawled into bed.

“Then you won't mind that I’ll be asleep within two minutes. I’m really knackered.” Harry waited until he was lying away from Severus to smile. “Could you get the lights? I left my wand in the loo.”

He heard Severus grunt and the candles went down to a low flame, although there was enough light to see. Harry scooted backwards and pushed his body flush against Severus’. He counted to twenty.

As expected, he found himself flat on his back, lips covering his and a tongue thrust into his mouth with an urgent passion. He moaned and pulled Severus on top of him. He finally had talked Severus into wearing nothing to bed--he hated Severus wearing those ugly pyjamas--so when their erections touched, Harry pulled back from the heated kiss and dug his head further into the pillow, panting heavily. Severus took that opportunity to lean down and torment Harry by biting his neck. Damn him for finding his most erogenous zone. Severus always knew what drove him crazy! Blinded by lust, Harry flung his arms up and his fingers dug into Severus’ arse, simultaneously spreading his legs. Severus pushed himself up onto one arm so he could re-position his body and then slid his free hand under Harry's leg and pulled it up and over his own.

Severus slid both arms under Harry’s, bent his head and began to trail light kisses against Harry’s cheek. His lips finally grazed over Harry's and softly teased his mouth. Harry couldn’t stand it any longer--as Severus knew fully well--so he lifted his head and demanded a deeper kiss. Severus smiled into the kiss and plunged his tongue deep inside, pushing Harry into the pillow. Harry squirmed underneath him, grinding his trapped erection against Severus’. Breathlessly, they broke the kiss and Severus pulled back just enough to gaze into Harry’s eyes. They were dark and filled with hunger and longing. How he wanted to take the boy and make him his. Deep down inside, he also wanted to show Harry that there was nothing to be afraid of and that Severus would never hurt him.

Unable to stop himself, Severus slowly made his way down Harry's body, kissing and touching him everywhere, never once breaking contact. He buried his face in the junction of Harry's leg and breathed in the heavy, musky scent as he caressed the sensitive skin with his lips. Severus placed one of Harry's legs over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around the other, pulling him in closer.

For months, Severus had always got this close -- mouth, lips and many fingers -- but it would be Severus who finished Harry's release with his mouth instead of pushing Harry any further. Perhaps it made Severus a coward, but he wanted Harry to decide when he was ready.

Harry's heel dug into Severus back, arched his back, and his breathing was beginning to grow faster and more laboured--all signs of Harry's pending orgasm. Severus sped up his thrusts of the three fingers inside of Harry, curling them and massaging his young lover’s prostate as he did. He tightened his lips around Harry's cock and just as he thought it was time, Harry perched himself on one arm and gently pulled on Severus’ hair with his other hand.

“No,” Harry panted.

Startled, Severus quickly pulled back and looked up. “I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to push--”

“No,” Harry repeated. “Its just that … I think I’m finally ready.”

“Harry, there's no need to rush anything. I can wait.”

“No, I want to. I know you’ve been patient and I think I owe it to you.”

“Harry! You don’t owe me anything!”

Harry scooted back on the bed and leaned against the headboard. “Yes I do. I owe you the truth. And I need to tell you. It’s the only way that I--that we can move forward.”

Suddenly, Severus realised that this wasn’t about sex. It was about something--someone--else.

Harry lowered his head and sighed. “I guess I should start at the beginning, huh?”

Severus put a comforting hand on Harry’s leg. In a soft voice, he whispered, “That’s usually the best place to start.”

Harry took a deep breath and nodded. “Well, Seamus and I had only just started seeing each other a few weeks before the war. We hadn't really done anything yet. Well, we had, but not--” Harry paused a minute but Severus remained quiet. He wanted Harry to go at his own pace. Harry sighed again. “We… er… kissed a few times, and did other things, but that was it. I guess we just knew straight from the beginning that it was going to be more than just… shagging. We talked mostly. We had fun together. And then when the war started there wasn’t really much time for anything else. We did manage to be alone every now and again, but it was never for very long.” Harry stopped and thought for a moment. “I think we both didn’t want a quick shag for our first time. I know we were teenager boys with hormones and all, but I think we both wanted it to mean something. Who knew I was so romantic, huh?” he laughed nervously. “Anyway, I also think we were afraid we might hurt the other one as well. We knew enough that, for men anyway, it had to be done carefully and should never be rushed.

“When we were finally able to be alone, well, we knew others might show up at any moment and so we sort of attacked each other. Stolen kisses I guess they call it. It was very intense,” Harry smiled as he remembered and glanced up at Severus who smiled warmly. Harry looked back down at his twisting hands. “A few times we forgot about the risk of getting caught and… well, there wasn’t enough time to get naked--to feel each other--but that’s when we did… other things.” Harry frowned. “I don’t even know what he looks like. I know what he feels like… tastes like, but I just wish--”

Harry shook his head and continued. “Anyway, we were with a team of others--Patti Patil, Tonks, Remus and Neville--and a group of Death Eaters caught us by surprise. The team got separated and Seamus and I ran away and we hid in a small cave so small we had to lie side by side. Seamus began to talk about… Have you ever known someone who wasn’t afraid to talk about death? Someone who was realistic about it? Well, that was Seamus. He wanted to make sure that if something was ever happen to him... that I wouldn’t wallow in grief. He wanted me to move on with my life and not become a lonely, old bitter man.”

Harry peered up at Severus and smiled wryly. “Sorry but I think he was referring to you.” Severus nodded that it was all right.

“Anyway, he made me promise that that would never happen to me.” Harry sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m just one of those people who don’t like to talk about death or what might happen. I guess I live too much in the present and try not to think about… anyway, in that cave, he made me promise again. I told him I would.

“When I thought it was safe enough to leave, we crawled out of the cave to look for the others. As we were walking, Seamus saw his sack, you know, the one we were always supposed to carry with us. Before I could stop him, he ran out into the open and… and…” Harry’s eyelids tightened. “I guess a Death Eater was standing by watching, thinking someone might come back for it. That’s when Seamus was hit.” Harry took a shaky breath and hugged his chest. “It was Macnair who had struck Seamus. I killed him and then ran over to Seamus. He was hit bad, but I guess some part of me thought that... that he’d be all right. I couldn’t find the cave, I honestly didn’t think we could've fit in it anyway, but I did find a secluded area and put up several wards to shield us.

“After I felt it was secure enough, I finally was able to look at his wound. It was bad. I knew then that--” Harry swallowed hard “--I knew there wouldn’t be enough time to find someone to help us. Seamus knew he was going to die and he wanted me to leave, but I couldn’t. I just… couldn’t.” Harry stopped to rub his eyes. He took a deep breath and continued. “Well, as you know, every bag had a small phial of pain potion and a small dosage of healing potion, so I gave him both. It was all I could do.” Harry paused then smiled. “I knew from experience that they tasted awful and Seamus, well, he had some choice words to say about you.”

Harry glanced over at Severus and looked apologetic. “Sorry.” Severus smiled back.

“Anyway, Seamus started cracking jokes that if I was a Potions master, I’d probably make it taste like--” Harry grinned and blushed. “Well, either that or chocolate frogs. He also joked that I would be better at potion making than you. I told him anyone would be better at it than you.” He smiled at Severus again. “We had a good laugh over it for quite awhile and then--” Harry closed his eyes “--Seamus stopped laughing. He just fell silent. I thought maybe… I thought maybe…” Harry choked. He held his breath and then shook his head, trying to clear it. “Anyway, I laid down next to him and held him in my arms and began to cry. I’d never seen anyone die--not that I remember anyway--so all I could do is hold him. I ended up falling asleep, I guess, because a bit later Seamus woke me up. He told me that my mum had given him a message to give to me. I knew then he was close to dying. I’ve heard that if you see someone who is already dead, then you’re close to it.

“Anyway, I didn’t know what to do. Call me selfish, but I had hoped he would have died in his sleep. I didn’t want to see… I didn’t want to watch him die. Then he began to talk to me about... I don’t really remember all of it, but I know he must have been delirious or something because, of what I do remember, what he said didn’t make any sense.”

There was a long silence and Severus finally spoke up. “It’s all right, Harry. You don’t have to tell me.”

Harry turned to face him. “No, no I want to. I need to. He said…”


~*~*~*~*~


”Harry?”

“I’m here.”

“You’d be good at potions you know. You would.”

“Shh, Seamus. You need to get some rest now. The others will be here soon. You’ll see. It will be all right. You’ll be just fine.”

“Tell me you would.”

“Seamus--”

“Tell me.”

“Of course, I would. Anyone would, remember?”

“And you made me a promise, Harry. Tell me you’ll keep it.”

“Seamus, please. Please don’t talk like that. You know I don’t--”

“Promise me, Harry. I want to hear you say it.”

“I promise I will.”

“Good.”

“…”

“Harry?”

“Yes?”

“I can help you. I’m a right bastard, but I can help you. We can help each other.”

“Please, don’t….”

“We can. And I can make you happy … just don’t be … alone …”

“Seamus. Seamus? Seamus? NO!!

“…”

“Oh gods. Seamus… I love you. I will always love you.”


~*~*~*~*~


“You see? He must have been delirious. I mean why would he bring up our shared joke right before he died? And why… why did he call himself a-a bastard? Why?”

Harry looked over at Severus as if he somehow had the answer, but then quickly turned away.

“I don’t know, Harry,” he whispered and Harry nodded. “I think he just wanted you to be happy.”

Harry looked up and nodded again. “I know. I just wish I knew why.” He glanced away then sighed. “This might sound like a ridiculous reason, but I… well, when I woke up at St Mungo's after the war ended, all I could think about was becoming a Potions master. Maybe in some sick, deranged way I thought it would bring Seamus back. Or maybe--” he closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know why.”

Severus sat next to Harry, cupped his face and turned it towards him. He wiped a tear away with his thumb. “It’s all right, Harry.”

“I’m sorry, Severus.”

“Whatever for?”

“For not telling you sooner.”

“You weren't ready.”

“I know, but you’ve been so patient.”

“And I would’ve waited forever.”

Harry looked into Severus’ eyes and smiled. “I know you would have.”

There was another long pause.

“Harry. Is he the reason why you never wanted to… go any further than we already have?”

“No! That’s not it. It’s… I guess I just felt--”

“Guilty? Of betraying Seamus’ memory?”

“No. It’s because… Well, I just never expected for us to, you know, get together, but now that we have, I just… I couldn’t let it go any further because it felt like I was keeping a secret from you and… it just felt wrong. Like I was deceiving you by not telling you everything.” He sighed deeply. “Does that make any sense?”

“Of course it does,” Severus answered earnestly then held out his arms, and Harry immediately went into them. After a minute, Severus whispered, “I thought maybe it was because--well, it doesn’t matter now.”

Harry pulled away and frowned. “Please tell me, Severus. No more secrets, all right?”

Severus smiled and then a pink tint crossed over his cheeks. “You’ve always made comments about my--” he glanced down at his lap then looked back up at Harry.

Harry’s eyebrows raised and then half-laughed. “What? You thought it was about that?”

Severus nervously cleared his throat. “Well, I didn’t know what else to think.”

Harry smiled mischievously. “You may be big, Severus Snape, but you are not that big.”

Severus’ eye twitched and sat up a little straighter. “I see,” he drawled.

Harry laughed and pulled Severus to him. “Don’t be mad. I’m only playing.” Severus raised a sceptical brow. “I’m sure it works fine.”

Severus growled and tossed Harry back, landing on top of him with Harry still laughing. He started attacking Harry's throat causing more laughter. Finally, Harry nudged on Severus’ shoulder to move up. Severus looked down at him smiling, but Harry's face was turned away.

“Harry?”

“Are you… mad at me?

Severus smiled. “No, I believe I am used to your sense of humour by now. Although in the future, I would appreciate it if ‘it’ wasn’t referred to as ‘that thing’.

“Fair enough,” Harry said with a small grin. Then it faded. “Actually, I meant are you mad at me for my reasons for wanting to become a Potions master?

“Not at all,” Severus said softly, brushing a lock of hair out of Harry's eyes.

“And what Seamus said about you? About your… inability of making potions and all?”

“I am certain that I have heard worse, but no. I wasn’t. I’m not offended. And Harry. I was serious. There's no need to rush anything. I can wait.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Severus paused and studied Harry hard. “Are you certain?”

“Yes,” Harry said smiling. He pulled Severus’ fingers to his mouth.

“Mr Potter. What may I ask are you doing?” He gasped when his fingers were led down Harry’s body. “I-I don’t want to hurt you, Harry.”

“You won't. I trust you.”

Severus leaned down and grazed his lips over Harry’s. “I will never hurt you.”

“I know. Now come on. I think we’ve waited long enough.”

“Impudent brat.”

“And you like it.”


~*~*~*~*~


“Harry?”

“Yes?”

“He can help you. He’s a right bastard, but he can help you. You can help each other.”

“Please, don’t…”

“You can. And he can make you happy… just don’t be… alone…”


~*~*~*~*~


The end



Roedhunt
2007